The truth is that I began to plot and to plot seductively as a woman. If, at the time, I had stopped to ask myself exactly what I was doing, I would not have been able to answer my own questions. Looking back I can finally face the fact that I literally seduced Daddy into a situation from which there could be only one exit!
The first thing I did really had nothing to do with Daddy at all. It was all part of the same growing interest in my own sexual maturity. I began more and more to change my clothes without bothering with my own privacy. I would come home from school and strip out of my clothing, standing for long minutes in front of my mirror without bothering to shut my bed room door. I would inspect my budding breasts, and watched for the slightest trace of hair around my sexual parts – always with the knowledge that Daddy was in the other room studying for his own school work.
Once, when I was standing there like that, Daddy came by and looked in. He saw me cupping the buttons of my breasts, remembering what Jan had told me about a bra, and stopped for a minute just outside my door, looking at me standing naked in front of the mirror. A slight frown crossed over his face as he asked me if anything was wrong.
“I hurt,” I told him. “It’s like I always hurt up here.”
He walked into the room as I slowly dropped my hands to expose the two budding mounds of what would one day be my breasts. What a tingling thrill it was to stand naked before him that way and know that he was looking at my breasts! I was more excited than I had ever been, but he was calm and said that the following weekend he would go out with me and buy a bra.
Then, another time, I made it a point to enter the bathroom just as he was getting out of the shower. I stood for a long time openly staring at him before he noticed and turned away. But I think my association with Jan and Jan’s mother is what really started me thinking. It was a result of that, coupled with the rapid changes of my own body and mind, that forced the issue. I guess I knew, but wouldn’t admit, that almost from the first time they met, Daddy and Mrs. Bradley were attracted to one another. As I began to fill out and develop, Daddy and she started to go out from time to time. It seemed that they were always anxious to be together – and to have Jan and me together.
Often they would let us babysit one another when they went out. And it was one of these times when they thought we were away that I discovered – at least visually – what all the lectures had been about.
Jan was a very precocious girl who knew a lot more perhaps than she actually practiced but who, nonetheless, had taken it upon herself to educate me.
In the months that followed, she began to date and tell me all about her boyfriends and what they wanted to do with her. One, she said had tried to stick his tongue in her mouth, but she didn’t like that. Two more had wanted to feel her breasts. She told me she had liked that, but that when one of them had tried to stick his finger inside her, it had hurt. She had slapped him and made a scene!
She also told me that she “knew” that Daddy and her mother were having an affair, thought it was really thrilling because maybe they would get married and then we would be sisters.
The idea of being real sisters was thrilling to me, of course. Jan knew a great many things and could teach me about life, but the idea of having Mrs. Bradley as a mother was something else. Oh, she was all right. I don’t mean to say there was anything wrong with her. She was pretty and kind and nice to be around, but there was something about her that wasn’t quite right. It was as if she was really thinking only of herself all the time and didn’t really care about anyone else! I knew she liked Daddy and I didn’t really mind that. But the thought of Daddy liking her – I mean, really was not very pleasant. I still thought about how wonderful my own real mom had been. I couldn’t even imagine Mrs. Bradley taking her place. And when I thought of the possibility of her and Daddy kissing or anything else, I became furious!
It realty made me mad when I found out that they were doing even more than that! I found out one Saturday, when Jan and I went off to a matinee movie and found, after the long walk, that we had both already seen the show. I had just turned twelve and had really started to fill out, and was really taking an interest in boys. Instead of going straight home, we decided to fool around for a while and have a hamburger and Coke in a place next to the theater where we thought we might meet some new boys.
Those who were there were too shy to speak to us and neither Jan nor I could get up the courage to break the ice, either. So, feeling like failures, we wandered on home thinking that maybe we’d have a swim in the pool. We took a long time coming back, stopping here and there to window shop and even playing a round of miniature golf. About an hour after we left, we were back and while Jan went over to her apartment to get into her swim suit, I climbed the stairs to mine for the same reason.
The only thing I was thinking about when I reached the door was the pool and the water and how hot a day it was.
Taking no notice of the front door being slightly ajar – it was always kept unlocked because I didn’t have a key – I dreamily strolled into the living room, padding across the thick, fuzzy carpeting in my bare feet, heading towards my bedroom. Just as I reached the hall, I decided to see if Daddy was in his room and, without giving the consequences the slightest thought, walked right in the door. Then I stopped dead as if hit by a thunderbolt. I don’t think I could have got the scream that formed in my throat out if my very life had depended on it. The scene before me had me paralyzed.
Daddy was lying on his back in the bed without a shred of clothes on and Mrs. Bradley, also naked, was kneeling over him. Her sex parts were almost up against Daddy’s mouth and her own mouth was sliding up and down the length of his erect penis!
I stood there watching the horrible scene for what seemed like hours – even though it couldn’t have been more than a few seconds! Daddy was moaning and Mrs. Bradley was making little noises in her throat as she let her whole head slide up and down the length of Daddy’s prick.
How can I describe my feelings? I was horrified and repelled – but I was attracted and fascinated, too. I wanted to scream, but couldn’t. Finally, as if driven by an uncontrollable flood of conflicting emotions, I gasped and, grabbing the door, slammed it behind me as I rushed to my own bedroom and flung myself sobbing on my own bed.
I was aware of nothing except the horror that Daddy was doing something terrible with Mrs. Bradley. I felt terribly alone and left out. It was as if in some way the whole thing was a personal affront to me.
How long I remained sobbing on the bed, I don’t know, but suddenly I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder and knew that Daddy had come in.
“Go away!” I wailed. “I never want to see you again!”
He didn’t leave. Instead, he sat down on the bed beside me still with one hand resting lightly on my shoulders and in a very calm voice asked me why I was so upset.
I was infuriated even more by his patronizing attitude.
“Why?” I screamed. “Why shouldn’t I be? I come in and find you like that with her and then you quietly ask me why. I saw it, don’t you understand? I saw what you and she were doing – what she was doing to you!”
He didn’t say anything for a long while after that, and then I felt his hand leave my shoulder and felt his weight lift from the bed. I lay there for a moment, relieved that he had gone, and then a sudden panic filled me. I thought he had left the room and I didn’t want him to go. I hated him at that moment, but I needed him too and I thought he had deserted me.
Suddenly, as I rolled over on the bed and sat up in a panic, wiping my wet eyes, I saw him sitting in a chair opposite me, wearing a bathrobe. His legs were crossed and he seemed quite relaxed although somewhat concerned. But his expression showed a little bit of humor, too.
My relief at seeing him there dissipated my anger, but the hurt remained because in my own adolescent mind, I believed that he had cheated on me – on purpose.
“I suppose she’s still in there,” I said, spitting out the words.
“No,” he replied calmly. “She’s gone.”
Then I seemed to break down again. My tears were almost gone but I was still in a state of emotional shock. “Oh, Daddy,” I sobbed, “how could you do such a nasty, dirty thing?”
“Nasty?” he said. “Kitten, there was nothing nasty about what you saw. You weren’t supposed to see it, I know that, but we thought you were at the movies with Jan.”
“But she had your… your… Well, it was in her mouth! I saw it. You can’t lie to me. I know!”
Then he became angry, although not in the same way as I had been. His voice took on an edge to it that I had never heard before, but he still spoke slowly and quietly.
“Kitten,” he said, “I’m a grown man and you’re a little girl. I don’t have to account to you for the things I do. You’ve seen something that perhaps you shouldn’t. But you haven’t seen anything dirty or nasty or wrong! Mrs. Bradley and I like each other, and when adults like each other, they can show it in many different ways.”
Suddenly something I couldn’t control came over me. Not realizing the implication of my words or what they would ultimately mean… I blurted out-
“But you let her do it. You wouldn’t let me… you wouldn’t even let me see you. You’re supposed to like me best. Then while I’m gone, you let her do that!”
I had now gone too far – but too far to stop. I was acting like a jealous woman rather than a daughter and I had let my father know of my feelings. My own mouth dropped open in shock at my own words at the instant his did. He stared at me with an expression of disbelief.
“You don’t know what you’re saying,” he said.
But I just couldn’t seem to stop. “Yes, I do,” I insisted, “I want you to show me, not some old bag like Mrs. Bradley!”
Daddy seemed at a complete loss for words. He got up and left the room, leaving me to sit there with my own thoughts. How long I remained there, I don’t know, but finally Jan came in and asked why I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t tell her the truth even though she was my best friend.
She urged me to change into my swimsuit and I started to undress like a robot.
When she asked me what was wrong, I told her, “Nothing,” and then she said that her mother was acting really peculiar, and had told her not to come over.
“I’m scared,” she said. “Mom said we are going to move right away.”
That stopped me. “She did?”
“Yes. I don’t know why. She just said she had to get out, that she couldn’t stand it any more. I just don’t understand.”
I loved Jan more than any friend I had ever had, but I was elated at this news because I hated her mother so much. A new purpose seemed to fill me and I quickly changed into my bathing suit and followed her to the pool.
I would hate to see Jan go, but I think I would have tried to kill Mrs. Bradley if I ever saw her again.